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In October of 2006, I found out I was pregnant. It was my first pregnancy. Like some newly pregnant mothers, I decided to start a journal for my little one. Write about what it felt like to be pregnant, my thoughts and feelings, how excited I was. Something I could give to my child later in life. I started journaling and writing letters right away.
On January 25th of 2007, my world was flipped upside down. I was 20 weeks pregnant and was going to learn the sex of our baby that day. We learned we were having a little GIRL. She was beautiful. We watched the ultrasound with joy as she moved and wiggled and opened and closed her hands. It was amazing.
We also learned she had Anencephaly, that our little girl was missing the majority of her brain. She would not live long after birth, but might not even make it that far. We learned she was broken and there was no way to fix her. My heart broke. I wept. They gave us options and we decided to let the pregnancy continue as long as it would go, in hopes that she might be born alive, if only for a moment. We named her Lyla Grace.
I continued journaling and writing letters, even though I knew she might never read them.
Every week I will be posting an entry from my journal to Lyla. I am sharing this story in memory of her and all that she meant to me. For her tiny strength and all that she taught me about God, life, and love. I am sharing this journey in memory of those who have lost a child. For the mothers I have met, the tears we have cried, and the stories of their precious little ones that have been shared.
Lyla made me realize how precious and fragile life can be. I learned to cherish every moment and to appreciate the people in my life. That tragedies can bring families closer in ways that I have only prayed for. That God loves me and is always there to carry me when I can't even lift my face off the floor. Lyla showed me that miracles still happen, and they aren't always what you expect. Miracles are forgiveness and joy amidst anguish, laughter amidst tears, and the MIRACLE of life-if only for a moment-when others expected none.
I pray her story will do the same for you.
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Sunday, 30 August 2009 10:45 |
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June 4th, 2007 To my little Lyla, Today we get to see you again! We have one last ultrasound. We haven’t seen you since the end of January, beginning of February. And that’s when we found out about this whole thing. We have had several months to process it all. It is still very crazy. So, I asked if we could have one last ultrasound so we could “see” you before we SEE you. I’m sure you will be beautiful. I’m going to try not to cry out of sadness. Hopefully just from amazement. You woke Tim up last night because you were kicking the bed so much that he could feel the bed moving. I was sound asleep on my side and you were kicking, kicking, kicking…Hilarious. He woke me up and said, “Babe, is the baby moving a lot right now?” I waited for a second and said, “Oh..yea. I guess she is.” He said, “Man, she’s moving so much, the bed is shaking!” You are quite the kicker, little Lyla. Maybe you would be good at soccer. I have really enjoyed how much you have been moving. Sometimes it feels like you are doing snow angels. Tim can even push on my belly and you seem to push back. We enjoy that because babies with Anencephaly are not supposed to respond to sound and touch. We don’t know if you are ACTUALLY responding, but it sure seems like it sometimes. A woman in our home group made you a little pink dress and it is beautiful! She made the dress and a hat, and I held myself together until I saw the little booties. Your feet are going to be so little. Little feet and little hands; little knees and little elbows. I cannot decide what I want to do with the dress she made. I have to think about what to bury you in…as morbid as that is. As CRAZY as that is. But I DO have to think about it. Gosh. I hate that I have to think about a funeral, but I am trying to be strong. The other day I was beginning to get so sad about my due date and the fact that we may have to induce and that I have to say goodbye. Part of me doesn’t want to induce labor because then I will know the EXACT day when we have to say goodbye. But that’s when I started thinking… I am not going to let this be just a tragedy. It is going to be wonderful to see you and hold you and kiss you. …and tell you how much I love you… YES-I am sad. So very sad. BUT I am also going to try and be excited. You are still HERE. Soon I will get to hold you and touch your little feet and grab your little hands. What a MIRACLE you are even now. My precious Lyla Grace. So precious to me. So VERY precious. Love, Mom |
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Sunday, 16 August 2009 10:47 |
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May 26th, 2007  Hello little one! It is almost 10pm and I am going to bed. I have been sick for the past couple days since we got back from Arizona. We flew there over the weekend for my sister, Maria’s wedding. It was so hot there, around 100 degrees. It was wonderful seeing my family. I haven’t seen any of them since before I found out I was pregnant. This whole tragedy has been dealt with over the phone. It was so good to hug mom and dad. It felt amazing. It gave me a little boost of courage. Carrie and Brad were there, Jason and Alicia were there, Dad and Pat, Mom and David and John were all there. And of course Maria and her fiancé, Greg, were there too. The wedding was beautiful. My sister was a little nervous, but once she walked down the isle, she looked so comfortable and ready. It was great to see her. She made me feel special about being pregnant. She would rub my belly and talk to you. I made sure everyone got to feel you kick and you certainly put on a show. Mom loved when you got the hiccups and you moved so much that weekend. I was nervous to fly in a plane, but it didn’t even phase you. You are one tough cookie, my little Lyla. I said goodbye to everyone and cried a little when I said bye to mom. It’s hard being far away during all of this. I was tough when I said goodbye to dad, because I knew if I started crying, I wouldn’t want to leave. Both mom and dad told me I am very strong and doing a good job. I just responded with, “I am trying.” I am glad they could meet you while you are still alive. Hopefully you will make it through the delivery process and we can all MEET you then too. I love you so much and I am glad you are still with us. I am scared to say goodbye. You are so precious to me. Oh, my sweet, sweet babe. I pray for you so much. For everything. Including a miracle… Including God’s will… I love you – love you so much, Lyla. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Love, Mom |
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Sunday, 26 July 2009 09:09 |
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May 16th, 2007 little one, Hello! You are kicking me in my right rib. Right now. You tend to do that a lot. And you have the hiccups once a day. I love it. You move around so much. In fact, you have the hiccups right at this very moment! Mother’s day was Sunday, May 13th. It was an interesting day for me. Sad, but good. Tim had to work that day, so I was alone with his parents. A man from the newspaper interviewed us about you back in April. The article was in the paper on mother’s day. On the front page. WOH. I didn’t know it was going to be that big of an article. It was mostly accurate. There were a couple facts that were incorrect, but for the most part, it was a wonderful and sad article. It was hard to read, but we were glad to share our story with others in hopes that it could be some sort of encouragement for others. Or if there was anyone out there that could encourage US. I gave an email address and our PO box address in the article and have already had several responses that have meant a lot to me. I went to church with Tim’s parents and didn’t want to be singled out by anyone for the fact that it was mother’s day and “oh, you poor thing.” Things went pretty well. A couple arm squeezes here and there. It felt good to be around people that care. All the moms were given roses. That was nice. It was all in all an eerie day. Not sad, but not happy either. It just WAS mother’s day. And I thought about you. My first mother’s day in my life and it’s like this. Life is crazy. I never would have expected I would celebrate a mother’s day like this. Ever. Never. I love you so much, Lyla. I can’t wait to see you. I am scared, but I cannot wait until I can kiss the one who has been kicking me in the ribs. All in all, it was a “happy” mother’s day. I love you with all that I am. Love, Mom |
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Monday, 20 July 2009 06:51 |
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May 10th, 2007
Lyla,
I love you so much. I have been thinking about you all day. I think about you every day. You are so very precious to me. My heart is breaking, but your kicks make me smile, my sweet little babe. I love you.
Love,
Mom
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Sunday, 12 July 2009 11:12 |
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May 7th, 2007 To my little one, Lyla Grace, Today was another visit to the doctor. It is getting closer to the day when we will meet you and I am very scared. I am excited, but it just means I will have to say goodbye. I don’t want to. We heard your heartbeat today. It has slowed down just a little. The doctor said it was fine, but I could tell it was slower. It saddened me. Made me think you are starting to get tired and that your little life is slowly coming to an end. I see all these pregnant women in the doctor’s office and I am sure that 99.9 percent of their babies are fine. It hurts, it aches so much. They have no idea that I am pregnant with a baby that didn’t develop a brain. ……… Let me tell you a little about yourself. From what I can tell… Lyla Grace: You move a LOT! Rolling, kicking…it is constant. You get the hiccups all the time. At least once a day. You always kick my in my right rib. When I sit down, I usually have to put my hand by my rib to try and block the blow a little. When I lay in bed, whatever side I am on, you seem to push at the bed. Tim likes it when I lay up against his back and he can feel you kicking. When I get hungry, you move around a lot. After I eat, you move around a little and then fall asleep. I love you. Love, Mom |
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